Incoherent retelling of my action-packed week

I haven’t been able to blog this week since my friend was here for a couple of days and I tried to maximize my time with her since it’s very rare that I actually have friends around. This week has been pretty productive actually. I’ve gone shopping twice, gone to the gym for the whole week, went to the beach, drank actual coffee, and played bandhero.

I actually have a life away from the computer. I really hope I can maintain my gym activity even if I don’t have someone who will accompany me there. My whole body is sore from the exercise but I really enjoy it and maybe I shall one day experience being thin once more.

It’s November and November really excites me.

  1. Psych Mid-season premiere
  2. Darren Criss on Glee (so proud of my bb)
  3. HARRY POTTER 7 (although I’m probably watching it on July but still!!)

Also, it’s one month from Christmas!

Since I’m being extremely incoherent anyway (a lot has happened since my last post) I would like to announce that we have an addition to our small family.

Meet Portia! (We named her Portia because we found her on our porch one day) I wanted to name her Itteh Bitteh Kitteh but my brother said it was too long. She’s a stray kitten who just kept coming back no matter how far away my dad brought her. I really felt bad for her so we took her in. Now she’s gotten really fat! In just a matter of days! My whole family is amused by her since she’s really very smart.

To end this post, here’s the outfit I wore a few days ago. I haven’t been posting my outfits lately since I’ve gotten really fat and other times I just wear boring clothes. But I think I look less fat in this and I quite like what I did.

Purple Vneck: Robinsons Department Store (Men’s section) – Php150

Vest: Thrifted – Php 100

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Wake up, Krasner, September has ended.

I haven’t been able to blog for a while, one of the biggest reasons being my thoughts are not as coherent as they are at the moment. Between today and my last post, things have been crazy. On a personal level I had strained a muscle so bad I could not walk without support or move ย without any reverberating pain on my back to my thighs. It was horrible.

But I know I was in no right to complain. The day after I strained my back, the tragic De La Salle Bar Exam explosions occurred and my friend, Raissa Laurel, was involved in the incident. She lost both her legs to the accident. It was then when I decided not to complain about my leg pain, but rather rejoice for the pain because I still have legs to feel that pain.

After that I was just ashamed that I actually complained, while my friend Raissa took everything so well. She even took her own circumstance better than I did. I could not think properly given that everything that had happened seemed too close for comfort. Tragedy is put into perspective when someone you’ve interacted with is the one who is hurt.

Of course that is not the only mind-blowing incident that happened that day. As I was telling my best friend Henry, it was a horrible weekend for me, with everything just falling on my lap and it took me time to absorb all the information.

I felt if I blogged, I would be all irrational and just spew out all my emotions and regret it later (It has happened before).

To avoid this being a blog about blogging, I shall add: I have been preoccupied lately back watching Veronica Mars and Doctor Who episodes. I am rather enjoying Doctor Who, while the cancellation Veronica Mars remains to be one of The CW’s biggest mistakes.

Random blurts of emotion

I really amaze myself sometimes with how I can update my blog when all I do all day is sit on the bed and read books or go on tumblr.

I think I’ve mentioned it in one of my posts before, that I’ve been quite anti-social. I’m still trying to decide whether I’m the Socially Lazy Sloth or the Socially Awkward Penguin. I like penguins a lot though, so maybe I’ll stick to the latter.

I have this talent of losing friends because of how excessively clingy I am and I really hate it but I can’t avoid it. Most especially now when I am so far away from them that whenever I get to talk to them I spew out incoherent statements and sometimes come out as desperate for attention. At least I think I do.

Sugar high and blogging

I haven’t had any sleep because I’m so excited for what will happen today. A month long worth of work will finally be culminated hopefully later! Right now I’m just high on sugar and I’m really hyper!

Anyway, after this project, I plan to go on a semi-hiatus from the internet. I plan on not touching any social networking site and just update this blog so that I get my fix of virtual ranting. It’s almost winter so it would be like hibernating. It would be nice to be away from everything for longer than ย 2 weeks. I haven’t decided on YM yet, though. Bahala na. Haha

Anyway, today is my good, great friend Kinah Silverio’s birthday. Yay! We’re the same age! Finally!! I don’t feel old anymore ๐Ÿ™‚ I miss you kins. Mwah!

Goodbye Facebook.

I was going to make this entry my “Goodbye Internet” one but I knew that was kindov foolish of me. I can’t survive without internet. I need to watch my shows as they get released, get updates from some friends, and write on my blog because this is the only medium I have left since I have no friends here.

For those wondering why I had to deactivate my facebook account (Ehem ehem Haeja, Ms Gruet), I have several reasons. And perhaps the March incident plays a small, very TINY part of why I had to deactivate for a while.

So that’s probably number one. I don’t think I can move on completely if I keep seeing his name on my inbox or people tagging us in the same picture/note. Sometimes it makes me feel like a bad person. For reasons I already explained in a previous post. But this is not even 5% of the reason.

There are two major reasons why I decided to finally deactivate. Since I already started with the percentage, I’d say it’s an equal 40-40.

1. (and enumerating them is very PolEco of me) I have been spending too much time on facebook. No really. I am too addicted to the games. I play family feud every day, for the past two months, and I have already reached the top five of the board (I don’t remember what part specifically). ย I have a FIFA team which is right now the top with 300 wins (I even bought match points online just so I can play more.) I own a bakery, a restaurant, a hotel, a cafe, and I live in the frontier. Most of these I visit everyday. And I realized this took too much of my time. I never got into playing Pet Society or Farmville, but now that I have so much time in my hands, I got too addicted to those games. It’s no longer funny. Aside from games, I read my contact updates every day, and sometimes I even refresh it. It’s a sad sad life. Facebook has taken over my life now, and I have to show it who’s boss.

2. I realize that I’ve been too clingy to my friends on facebook. To the point that I have been dubbed as Nostalgia Queen by one of them. But really I have become too… present. It’s like I never left the country. I think Facebook has been helping me in my denial that things won’t change. Because things have changed so much these past few months and I have to accept that. Being omnipresent through facebook is only a temporary relief to what is about to come. So I want to stop pretending that things are the same. It’s my way of detaching from Manila, temporarily, so I can move on with my life here. And besides, I see it as a way for me to finally see who my real friends are. Facebook makes it too easy to reconnect, and sometimes it would be nice to know who will reach out without facebook. I think people did well without facebook, what’s stopping our generation. Besides, who can maintain 500+ friendships at the same time? There’s even a study that shows that the brain can only maintain 150 friends at a time. I honestly just want to know who will reach out and who won’t without facebook. ๐Ÿ™‚

Those are the biggest considerations as to why I “quit” Facebook. There’s still a 5% left, which is mainly to remove the pressure of accepting some of the adults here who tried to add me. You’re my parents’ friends, not mine. My friends are your kids. Please understand. Plus, people here like to talk a lot, so I’ve been warned. So that lessens the chance of that too.

I really don’t know how long I will last without a facebook account since I like being in the loop. But I guess it’s my chance to feel how it is to be out of the loop (and have a quiet life). So goodbye Facebook, for now.

Thesis adviser and more.

I had one of the sweetest conversations ever. And it was with my former thesis adviser, who is now a very good friend of mine. Actually, even before she became my thesis adviser, we were already quite close, which was the main reason she was assigned to me.

It went like this:

Sunday, July 18, 2010. 12:59 AM
Adviser: i will log out in a a few minutes
Me: hello
Adviser: but I just have to say this
Me: okay…
Adviser: I miss hanging out with you at starbs
Me: :((
Me: i miss that tooo!!
Adviser: and when the new batch of students enter the poleco faculty room now, I sometimes instinctively look for you
Adviser: yun lang
Me: :((
Adviser: end emo moment
Me: i miss you too!!!
im visiting on july 2011
Me: awww… dati maingay kasi when im there sa ipe faculty eh
now it’s so quiet
Adviser: yah and then new students will be using the old pcย meh
Adviser: that was your personal pc in ipe kaya haha

It was the highlight of my day. I’ve been getting pretty homesick lately and I’ve been craving crazy for kwekkwek and fishball.

Anyway, I am extremely obsessed with Sterling Knight. Due to my bum-ness these days I’ve been heavily exposed to Disney shows (Sonny with a Chance) and movies (StarStruck). I thought it was kindov hypocritical of me to have a huge fangirl crush on Sterling because I cannot understand people my age crushing on Justin Bieber, but this was when I thought Sterling was 17. Then I found out he turned 21 on March. Ha. He’s actually five months older than me. But he looks much younger:

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Finally, since I like documenting what I wear, this is what I wore last Thursday:

Top: Robinsons Department Store (P550)
Skirt: (Dress) Landmark, Trinoma (P200)
Vest: Thrifted ย (P80)

Basyang

I haven’t had decent sleep today because I was really worried about my friends in the Philippines who were facing the Tropical Storm, Basyang. I was such a mommy sending them text messages asking how they were and telling them to stay home because it was dangerous to go out.

Sometimes I feel my friends get strangled by my “love” for them. I was once told by a good friend of mine that I easily get hurt, because I always gave my all to those who I feel are important to me. I just realized that the reason I do this is that I tend to let go of my friends. Whenever I move on to another stage of my life, I usually leave behind those people who were with me then.

Case in point: my high school barkada. It took us five years to finally have a reunion. I hardly replied to their messages on facebook, yahoo messenger, or through text. It took me 2 years to finally add them on facebook. That’s how much I distanced myself from them. I do not mean to do it. It’s just that every time I pass a milestone in my life, I feel I have changed too much to relate to certain people.

This is mainly because of the lack of communication. I mean we don’t really have anything in common anymore nor do we know much about each other to have anything to talk about. It’s fun to dig up old memories but it’s tiring to keep going to the past, without anything to talk about on the present.

I don’t want that to happen with my group of friends now, and I think that’s something some of them don’t understand. I have a record of eventually leaving behind people. I don’t mean to. It just happens especially if I’ve drifted too far. That is why I’m trying to keep as close as I can when it comes to my college friends. I don’t want it to happen with them, they’ve become too big a part of my life for me to just forget them. But sometimes I can’t help but not care anymore since it’s hard to be the one doing most of the reaching out.

Anyway, enough of that. Now everyone knows I’m a ditcher. Kbye.

Anyway, updates to the letters blog:

Day 11 – Someone deceased you wish you could talk to

Day 12 – The person you hate the most/caused you much pain

Day 13 – someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 – someone you drifted away from

The headings are getting longer and longer by the day ๐Ÿ˜

About my birthday

July 7, 2010 was my 21st birthday. It is time to accept that I am no longer a teenager. When I was 20, (which was just about five days ago) I easily argued that I was twenteen. But it is futile denial when I say I’m twenteen one. In my heart I will always be that teenager who knows how to have fun (I hope).

I love my best friends. They truly made me feel special in that day. Rhowenna made me an entire photo album full of pictures of our memories together which made me cry. It was nice looking at five years of great friendship with my first friend in UA&P. This was followed by a facebook message from my other best friend, Henry, which really made me feel loved. I really miss my best friends now ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

But to top it all up was my great friend, Mar. He forgot to greet me, which got me really annoyed because if there’s something that I’m very particular about, it’s birthdays. I purposely did not place my birthday announcement on facebook to know who would actually greet me. (Yes, I’m that kind of person, on a side note, Jonathan was the first dormer to greet me. I actually thought the all forgot. Haha).

Anyway, I threw a big fit when he finally greeted me (36 minutes late). It was kind of touching that he greeted me on text, twitter, and facebook, but I did not take notice of his greeting (I felt I had the right, I considered him to be one of my greatest friends… just a level below “best friend”). But I did converse with someone else in twitter, to let him see that “look i’m online but not responding to your messages!!!” Haha I’m evil, I know.

In my attempt to ignore him, I stayed invisible on YM. But he still buzzed me anyway. He apologized, but what got me the most was when he told me that he “hopes [I] wouldn’t make this a basis of our friendship”. I stopped being a bitch, but I still a little upset, because. It was my birthday :|. We chatted a bit and I kinda made him feel a bit guilty. After an hour or so of talking, he sent me the cutest e-card which carried both a birthday greeting and an apology. It was really then when I really felt his friendship.

You see, aside from my birthday, I put a big weight on friendship, especially for those who I hold as important to me. I went through a rough patch a few months ago, which led me to believe that I should not give my all to people. But with what just happened, I felt that I was actually doing it right. And for that, Mar perhaps gave me then best birthday gift I could ask for – and that’s bringing back to me the belief that true friends actually exist, and true friendships last. I know it’s so cheesy. Since I’ve turned 21 I have been excessively cheesy. Anyway, I sent him a lengthy text expressing how deeply sorry I was for being a class A bitch to him when he was pretty contrite about his actions. Alls well that ends well ey?

My birthday this year was simple. Just a dinner out with my family. Nothing exciting, it was just like a normal day… and you know what? I loved it. I like the quiet. I think I like the quiet after all the hectic years in college.

Just as a flash back, here are pictures from my birthdays from the past five years:

2005

My 16th birthday. L-R Top: Camille, Justin, Benise, Nardz, Bien, Mia, Me, Migo. Bottom: Aya, Haeja, Henry

This was taken in the school cafeteria before blue and gold took over the space. These are my blockmates. Most of them I’m still super close with ๐Ÿ™‚

2006

My 17th birthday. Top picture: taken on the steps of Tektite, Ortigas before we headed off to Eastwood. L-R Top: Me Henry Camille, Bottom: Justin Ian Jonathan

Bottom picture taken after we left Eastwood (yes we don’t have a decent picture in eastwood meh.Clockwise: Jonathan, Camille, Henry, Me, Monica, Ian, Mar. This was in McDonalds when we just played cards till the sun rose ๐Ÿ™‚

2007

My 18th birthday. It was a beautiful debut with all the important people in my life at that time. I love these people. The theme was pink (boys) and white (girls) Clockwise: Ian, Mar, Tyress, Monica, Cheston, Jude, Enzo, Henry, Jonathan, Camille, Me, Benise. โค This was in the Venue (Yes, that’s the name)

2008

My 19th birthday. This was in Kimono Ken, the Podium. Clockwise: Maan, Tyress, Enzo, Benise, Camille, Jonathan, Jude, Kath, Rio, Cheston, Me, Henry, Mar, Ian (not in pic: Justin, but he was there ๐Ÿ™‚ )

2009

My 20th birthday. My departure from the teenage years. I was glad to do it with the greatest friends anyone can ever meet. Clockwise: Kath, Enzo, Mar, Jonathan, Camille, Henry, Justin, Jude, Cheston, Me)

2010

And here are the pictures from my 21st birthday ๐Ÿ™‚ Yes I gained weight. Thanks for pointing it out.

And this is my practicing my wacky face for when I get back to the Philippines and have pictures taken with the dormers ๐Ÿ™‚

1995

And the final flashback. This was me on my 6th birthday. 15 years ago.

I know. I was so cute. What happened?

Paranoia and sleepless nights

Today I am officially a month unemployed. It’s starting to alarm me because I don’t think I can take this dependence thing much longer. I love my parents for offering to support me till forever, but I’d like to give them a break as well.

It’s 4:16 am right now and I am having trouble sleeping. I admit, I have been having trouble sleeping for a while now. I usually like to tire myself until I’m really sleepy so that I could avoid the blank spaces before sleeping. Because it is during this that my mind tends to drift. Unfortunately, my thoughts seem to always drift to a specific time in my life which has caused me great confusion and pain and has led me to increased paranoia.

I’ve told this story enough, but let’s just say it’s a story of two people with different notions of friendship, and different degrees of manifesting that friendship towards each other. I used to be scared to blog about this, because that person might read this, because whenever I write about an encounter between the two of us, it seems to get to the other side. But now I don’t care. If this reaches him, then that just means one thing. He reads this blog, which of course, I will never assume, because it was made very clear to me that he does not care for me either.

The problem with me now is that I care too much. I care too much about what other people have to say about me. I have an extreme case of paranoia that haunts me in my quiet hours, which is why I prefer to preoccupy myself. That is why these bum days have been horrible. You see, I am not having trouble sleeping because I miss this person. No. I do not. In fact I have no regrets in what I did and the consequences of that action (I’m sorry for being vague. I’d rather not go into detail as it is rather long). Bottom line is I deserve better.

What haunts me is the trauma of being treated such way by someone with whom I have done (almost) nothing but favors for. What bothers me is the thought that I may have been the bad person (although my friends tell me I’m not, but that’s just it. They’re my friends – they should side with me). What makes me feel bad is that there could be something wrong with me. Honestly I have had difficulties letting other people in now because of what happened. There I said it. And if ever you read this, I hope you’re happy, don’t you like to make people feel self-doubt? Well now you’ve done it to me. Thanks.

But I don’t (completely) blame you. A big part of it is my fault – because I allowed myself to be treated in such way for a long time, because I am a paranoid person, because I let what you said get to me. It shouldn’t be that way. I should not be affected by it, but I’m not numb, not yet.

I guess the first step is acceptance. Acceptance that I have a serious case of paranoia, and that I need all the help I can get. It’s not funny anymore. It’s not helping that I am miles away from the people with whom I am most comfortable in expressing my emotions to. But whatever, I’ll get through this., I know I will. All I need is time.

Anyway, since I have already started with the emo mood for those who actually read through the above paragraphs, you may want to check out the three new additions I made for the 30-day meme for July:

Day 2: to your crush

Day 3: to your parents

Day 4: to your sibling

If you have noticed, I’m really bad in capping my blog entries. I’m thinking of a cool signature that goes beyond xo, toodles, tata, hugs and kisses. But since I can’t think of any yet, I’ll just leave my blog entries unsigned.