Today I am officially a month unemployed. It’s starting to alarm me because I don’t think I can take this dependence thing much longer. I love my parents for offering to support me till forever, but I’d like to give them a break as well.
It’s 4:16 am right now and I am having trouble sleeping. I admit, I have been having trouble sleeping for a while now. I usually like to tire myself until I’m really sleepy so that I could avoid the blank spaces before sleeping. Because it is during this that my mind tends to drift. Unfortunately, my thoughts seem to always drift to a specific time in my life which has caused me great confusion and pain and has led me to increased paranoia.
I’ve told this story enough, but let’s just say it’s a story of two people with different notions of friendship, and different degrees of manifesting that friendship towards each other. I used to be scared to blog about this, because that person might read this, because whenever I write about an encounter between the two of us, it seems to get to the other side. But now I don’t care. If this reaches him, then that just means one thing. He reads this blog, which of course, I will never assume, because it was made very clear to me that he does not care for me either.
The problem with me now is that I care too much. I care too much about what other people have to say about me. I have an extreme case of paranoia that haunts me in my quiet hours, which is why I prefer to preoccupy myself. That is why these bum days have been horrible. You see, I am not having trouble sleeping because I miss this person. No. I do not. In fact I have no regrets in what I did and the consequences of that action (I’m sorry for being vague. I’d rather not go into detail as it is rather long). Bottom line is I deserve better.
What haunts me is the trauma of being treated such way by someone with whom I have done (almost) nothing but favors for. What bothers me is the thought that I may have been the bad person (although my friends tell me I’m not, but that’s just it. They’re my friends – they should side with me). What makes me feel bad is that there could be something wrong with me. Honestly I have had difficulties letting other people in now because of what happened. There I said it. And if ever you read this, I hope you’re happy, don’t you like to make people feel self-doubt? Well now you’ve done it to me. Thanks.
But I don’t (completely) blame you. A big part of it is my fault – because I allowed myself to be treated in such way for a long time, because I am a paranoid person, because I let what you said get to me. It shouldn’t be that way. I should not be affected by it, but I’m not numb, not yet.
I guess the first step is acceptance. Acceptance that I have a serious case of paranoia, and that I need all the help I can get. It’s not funny anymore. It’s not helping that I am miles away from the people with whom I am most comfortable in expressing my emotions to. But whatever, I’ll get through this., I know I will. All I need is time.
Anyway, since I have already started with the emo mood for those who actually read through the above paragraphs, you may want to check out the three new additions I made for the 30-day meme for July:
Day 2: to your crush
Day 3: to your parents
Day 4: to your sibling
If you have noticed, I’m really bad in capping my blog entries. I’m thinking of a cool signature that goes beyond xo, toodles, tata, hugs and kisses. But since I can’t think of any yet, I’ll just leave my blog entries unsigned.