Basyang

I haven’t had decent sleep today because I was really worried about my friends in the Philippines who were facing the Tropical Storm, Basyang. I was such a mommy sending them text messages asking how they were and telling them to stay home because it was dangerous to go out.

Sometimes I feel my friends get strangled by my “love” for them. I was once told by a good friend of mine that I easily get hurt, because I always gave my all to those who I feel are important to me. I just realized that the reason I do this is that I tend to let go of my friends. Whenever I move on to another stage of my life, I usually leave behind those people who were with me then.

Case in point: my high school barkada. It took us five years to finally have a reunion. I hardly replied to their messages on facebook, yahoo messenger, or through text. It took me 2 years to finally add them on facebook. That’s how much I distanced myself from them. I do not mean to do it. It’s just that every time I pass a milestone in my life, I feel I have changed too much to relate to certain people.

This is mainly because of the lack of communication. I mean we don’t really have anything in common anymore nor do we know much about each other to have anything to talk about. It’s fun to dig up old memories but it’s tiring to keep going to the past, without anything to talk about on the present.

I don’t want that to happen with my group of friends now, and I think that’s something some of them don’t understand. I have a record of eventually leaving behind people. I don’t mean to. It just happens especially if I’ve drifted too far. That is why I’m trying to keep as close as I can when it comes to my college friends. I don’t want it to happen with them, they’ve become too big a part of my life for me to just forget them. But sometimes I can’t help but not care anymore since it’s hard to be the one doing most of the reaching out.

Anyway, enough of that. Now everyone knows I’m a ditcher. Kbye.

Anyway, updates to the letters blog:

Day 11 – Someone deceased you wish you could talk to

Day 12 – The person you hate the most/caused you much pain

Day 13 – someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 – someone you drifted away from

The headings are getting longer and longer by the day 😐

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Paranoia and sleepless nights

Today I am officially a month unemployed. It’s starting to alarm me because I don’t think I can take this dependence thing much longer. I love my parents for offering to support me till forever, but I’d like to give them a break as well.

It’s 4:16 am right now and I am having trouble sleeping. I admit, I have been having trouble sleeping for a while now. I usually like to tire myself until I’m really sleepy so that I could avoid the blank spaces before sleeping. Because it is during this that my mind tends to drift. Unfortunately, my thoughts seem to always drift to a specific time in my life which has caused me great confusion and pain and has led me to increased paranoia.

I’ve told this story enough, but let’s just say it’s a story of two people with different notions of friendship, and different degrees of manifesting that friendship towards each other. I used to be scared to blog about this, because that person might read this, because whenever I write about an encounter between the two of us, it seems to get to the other side. But now I don’t care. If this reaches him, then that just means one thing. He reads this blog, which of course, I will never assume, because it was made very clear to me that he does not care for me either.

The problem with me now is that I care too much. I care too much about what other people have to say about me. I have an extreme case of paranoia that haunts me in my quiet hours, which is why I prefer to preoccupy myself. That is why these bum days have been horrible. You see, I am not having trouble sleeping because I miss this person. No. I do not. In fact I have no regrets in what I did and the consequences of that action (I’m sorry for being vague. I’d rather not go into detail as it is rather long). Bottom line is I deserve better.

What haunts me is the trauma of being treated such way by someone with whom I have done (almost) nothing but favors for. What bothers me is the thought that I may have been the bad person (although my friends tell me I’m not, but that’s just it. They’re my friends – they should side with me). What makes me feel bad is that there could be something wrong with me. Honestly I have had difficulties letting other people in now because of what happened. There I said it. And if ever you read this, I hope you’re happy, don’t you like to make people feel self-doubt? Well now you’ve done it to me. Thanks.

But I don’t (completely) blame you. A big part of it is my fault – because I allowed myself to be treated in such way for a long time, because I am a paranoid person, because I let what you said get to me. It shouldn’t be that way. I should not be affected by it, but I’m not numb, not yet.

I guess the first step is acceptance. Acceptance that I have a serious case of paranoia, and that I need all the help I can get. It’s not funny anymore. It’s not helping that I am miles away from the people with whom I am most comfortable in expressing my emotions to. But whatever, I’ll get through this., I know I will. All I need is time.

Anyway, since I have already started with the emo mood for those who actually read through the above paragraphs, you may want to check out the three new additions I made for the 30-day meme for July:

Day 2: to your crush

Day 3: to your parents

Day 4: to your sibling

If you have noticed, I’m really bad in capping my blog entries. I’m thinking of a cool signature that goes beyond xo, toodles, tata, hugs and kisses. But since I can’t think of any yet, I’ll just leave my blog entries unsigned.

July.

Happy new month. In five days I would have officially been unemployed for a month. Two days after that, I turn 21. Years go by too fast. Most of the time kids would want to rush growing up. But I would like to think I grew up at a steady pace. I was never fascinated by boyfriends, make up, and parties like some of the children my age were. In fact, I still have the least amount of interest in those things, with the exception of make up which I use occasionally.

Anyway, I started a 30 day meme to celebrate the beautiful month of July. It was a letters meme from Tumblr wherein everyday I would have to write a letter to a designated person. Today I had to write to my best friend. I decided to  post it in my old blog because it fit the theme that I had for it. (It was named “From Sarah, With Love”) I will hyperlink each blog entry from this blog, for people who are interested in reading it, just like what I did above.

I also chose not to post it here because the cheesiness might scare the very few readers I have away.